Roommate successfully avoids RAs, makes it back to room with Keystone Light 30-rack

Ben Jaklowicz

Forty-five minutes after leaving your room to purchase a 30-rack of Keystone Light with his fake ID, your roommate Ben Jaklowicz returned with the beer, gasping for breath after a near-disastrous encounter with building resident assistants.

At 3:34 p.m., Jaklowicz woke you from a nap by bursting through the door of your Third Shay room. He rapidly shut and locked the door and put the entire 30-rack in your refrigerator, then proceeded to tell you his harrowing story.

“The lady at Tops didn’t look twice at the ID, so everything went great up until I parked my car outside,” he said, still breathing heavily.

University boycotts April Fool’s Day out of respect for the troubling economic times

Patty Mullins, administrative assistant to the president, had her plan to prank the entire campus through e-mail thwarted by today's announcement.

Officials declared St. Bonaventure University a prank-free zone for April Fool’s Day Wednesday in light of the nation’s economic recession, leaving several diabolical plans thwarted.

“We do not believe that now is the time to pull practical jokes on each other,” said Colton Crosswire, university spokesman. “Let today be a reminder that in hardship, only hard work will get us anywhere. Not jokes.”

Sophomore mistakes math lab for something else

Sophomore Brent Cullen quickly left a St. Bonaventure University math lab Thursday afternoon when he realized he’d misread the Notice Board from earlier in the day.

“Yeah, totally thought I was showing up for something else entirely,” said Cullen, a sociology major, though he didn’t mention what that something was. “I’m not even in a math class.”

No one shows up for emergency drill

In a scene played out throughout Plassmann Hall, Room 101 sits empty only minutes before Wednesday's active-shooter emergency drill commences. The room usually hosts a Clare 104 class at this time.

Empty classrooms greeted a fake shooter and the local law enforcement officers trying to track him down Wednesday as St. Bonaventure University students and faculty members decided to take the day off.

“I was supposed to have Intellectual Journey at 8:30 this morning but I decided to sleep in instead,” said freshman Jerome Parrish, a physics major. “I wasn’t about to stay in that classroom for three or four hours.”

Parrish had nothing to worry about, though, as his Clare 101 professor, Jean Dillon, also decided to stay home for the morning.

Administration in denial as melted snow once again reveals lack of progress on Castle site

As the last of the winter snowpack melted from the former Castle Inn properties Tuesday, the St. Bonaventure University administration denied any connection with it.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Colton Crosswire, university spokesman, as he covered his ears. “La la la la la la! I can’t hear you!”

The 17.2-acre, fenced-in eyesore across from the university doesn’t even appear on the newest university map. The map instead shows an extension of Cranberry Road complete with non-existent buildings and a non-existent plaza marked “Shopping Center.”

History department ganks Plassmann classroom for new offices in stealthy overnight operation

The five faculty members of St. Bonaventure University's history department executed a daring maneuver with military-like precision Thursday night into Friday morning. The faculty remade a classroom in Plassmann Hall, seen here in this file photo, into their new offices.

Several classes were canceled at St. Bonaventure University Friday after the history department faculty spent the overnight hours remaking a former Plassmann Hall classroom into their new offices.

“The Registrar’s Office is scrambling to make room and scheduling changes for the six or so Clare College classes that utilized Plassmann 101,” said Colton Crosswire, university spokesman. “However, the president, provost and dean have no comment on the history department’s actions at this time other than to say they wish this could have been done more diplomatically.”

Senior loses car to massive pothole outside Reilly Center

Bryan Izzo's 1990 Ford Tempo dove front-first into a giant pothole outside the Reilly Center Tuesday afternoon, as seen in this grainy, reader-submitted cell phone photo.

Maintenance officials at St. Bonaventure University closed the southernmost portion of Bonaventure Road Tuesday afternoon after a pothole approximately eight feet wide and four feet deep swallowed a student’s vehicle.

Senior French major Bryan Izzo said he jumped out of his moving car, a tan 1990 Ford Tempo, just before it tipped front-first into the gaping hole.

Annoying freshman couple never seen apart in public

Seen here embracing outside the Rathskeller, Michelle Turner and Hanson Nolan, known among upperclassmen as The Couple, can't seem to keep their hands off each other.

Though they only met five months ago, friends say St. Bonaventure University freshmen Michelle Turner and Hanson Nolan are almost completely inseparable in public.

“At first it was cute, because they do make a pretty cute couple,” said Joelle Walsh, Turner’s Fourth Shay roommate. “Now it’s like they’re married and they just can’t seem to keep their hands off each other. I can’t get her to go anywhere or do anything without him coming, too.”

Donius finally hears his name sung to tune of Duran Duran song ‘Notorious’

Bob Donius (Image courtesy of sbu.edu)

For as long as St. Bonaventure University senior Eve Callahan can remember, she and her friends have always followed a mention of Bob Donius’ name by singing it to the tune of Duran Duran’s 1986 single “Notorious.”

“I can’t say when I first heard it, but it seems like we’ve done it since we got here,” Callahan, a history major, said. “It just always seemed so natural. Someone would say Bob’s name and then someone else would always chime in with a ‘Bob-Bob — Bob DONius, Bob DONius.’”

Tuesday afternoon, Callahan and her friends were embarrassed to notice the vice president for University Ministries seated two tables over in Hickey Memorial Dining Hall right after they’d broken out into song using his name.

Facebook helps sophomore confirm identity of fellow student whose name ‘sounded familiar’

Sophomore Allison Maynard used the social networking site Facebook Monday to confirm she had in fact seen a fellow St. Bonaventure University student before, despite not knowing his name.

“Me and my friends were all sitting in the Hickey and they were all talkin’ about this Ryan Webber kid who Steph thinks she made out with at Foster’s last weekend,” said Maynard, an elementary education major.