University changes slogan again, to “Just %#@&in’ Come Here!”

Unimpressed by results from previous marketing campaigns, St. Bonaventure University officials Saturday unveiled a new slogan meant to attract prospective freshmen. The new “St. Bonaventure University: Just %#@&in’ Come Here!” campaign replaces “Becoming Extraordinary,” a strategy that lasted 13 months and reportedly cost the university $30,000 to design and implement.

Schmidt named vice provost for men’s basketball operations, recruitment and scholarship

Men’s basketball head coach Mark Schmidt was given a promotion Tuesday in another instance of title inflation at St. Bonaventure University. University officials named Schmidt its first vice provost for men’s basketball operations, recruitment and scholarship, making him part of the president’s cabinet. “We are delighted to reward Mark Schmidt for his ability to energize [...]

University demands to know identities of ‘reverse vandals’

In response to record-high instances of reverse vandalism on campus, St. Bonaventure University officials are offering a $500 reward for anyone with information on the identities of involved individuals. “It’s ridiculous for students to take it upon themselves to plant flowers in front of the Quick Center or pick up tipped-over trash cans in attempts [...]

English grad student on De La Roche: ‘Where the hell did this building come from?’

A fifth-year St. Bonaventure University student was floored recently upon discovering the existence of De La Roche Hall, the math and science classroom building. Greg Redding, a graduate student in the English department, said he’d never noticed the 74-year-old building before, even when walking from Plassmann Hall to eat at Hickey Memorial Dining Hall.

Dev ghosts look forward to moving to Gardens or six-person townhouse next year

Some of the female ghosts haunting Devereux Hall’s fifth floor already have their living arrangements and look forward to moving to the east side of the St. Bonaventure University campus next year, they said in an interview Friday. Miriam Carlton, the group’s designated leader, said the group realizes room and apartment selection won’t be until [...]

Inch of snow paralyzes university

Classes were canceled at St. Bonaventure University Monday after a lake-effect storm dumped more than an inch of snow and brought campus to a standstill.

Student reportedly discovers professors’ secret Test Coordination Council

A junior marketing major allegedly walked in on a meeting of the super-secret Test Coordination Council and revealed its existence to the St. Bonaventure University community Tuesday. Landon Harrison, of Townhouse 26, said he opened the door to a basement Plassmann Hall meeting room Monday afternoon and discovered the long-believed-mythical professors’ council to be real. [...]

Your turn to do the dishes, roommate reports

Upon hearing you complain of not being able to fill a pot with water because of how full the kitchen sink in your townhouse is, your roommate Holly Grakowski was quick to yell from the living room that it’s your turn to do the dishes because she did them and took out the trash four [...]

Emo kid ‘just not sad anymore’

Patrick Burgess has been smiling a lot more recently. He’s seen out during daylight more often. His hair is short and brown. His wardrobe is gaining some color. All because a week ago, Burgess, a St. Bonaventure University freshman, woke up and felt good about life for the first time since he was 16.

Halloween leaves devastation in its wake

In a grizzly post-Halloween scene Saturday, pumpkin pieces, guts and seeds lay strewn about a St. Bonaventure University parking lot, the aftermath of a devastating night of pumpkin vandalism. “It looks like a pumpkin war zone,” said senior Todd Brighton. “I don’t know how you can begin counting casualties.”